Free Topic

Stop Caring About What Other People Think

Do you get bogged down and worry about what other people think, especially about you?

The truth is that some of us are naturally more hard-wired and aren’t affected at all by other people’s opinions, whilst others of us are much more sensitive and care deeply what others think. This is largely due to our Enneagram personality (Part One, chapter one) yet can also be from our influences too.

The problem is that when we give our power to others in this way, we are diminishing ourselves! What we are really saying is that someone else’s opinion is more worthy, valid and important than what we think or feel – or, indeed, than our own inner knowing.

It may even cause us to do things, or make decisions, or even live our lives to please other people rather than pleasing ourselves or being true to who we really are. This can also lead to feeling resentful or bitter and can even cause ill health.

So how can you stop being one of those people who cares what other people think, when you just naturally do?

The solution is to take back your own power and remember that you count too. So let’s work on that here.

What’s your hook?

First, let’s look a bit deeper about why you care what others think. Is it because:

~ you are looking for approval?
~ you are needing validation?
~ you are gauging whether or not you’re good enough?
~ you are wanting to ensure you feel safe?
~ you are wanting recognition?
~ you are needing to know if you are acceptable?
~ you are wanting to fit in?
~ something else?

What is it for you?

I want you to know now that other people can never truly give you these feelings – or for more than a brief time at best – because you’ll need the approval or validation or acceptance, or to feel good enough, or have the sense of security, or to fit in, and so on, again next week – and the next!

Caring about what other people think of you keeps you trapped in a place where ultimately you can only become weaker and more needy.

You count too!

Instead, let’s look at things from another perspective.

Suppose you valued yourself enough and felt good enough to trust your own judgements and be comfortable with them, knowing they are just as valid?

Suppose you had the courage to live your life for you instead of for others’ approval? (See more on parental approval in the Miracle Questioning section in chapter five, as well as the topics in Part Two, Step-Parents and Controlling and Pushy Parents. You can easily adapt them for your situation as appropriate).

Suppose you could see yourself standing on your own two feet, calm and confident and able to look someone in the eye and say “I appreciate you have a different opinion (or point of view); I respect that. This is my life and the choice that feels right for me right now. I am choosing what feels right for me.”

If you did this, do you think you might feel more like you were taking your power back and valuing yourself?

So what is it that prevents you from standing up for yourself like this?

The chances are you have a deeper underlying fear that’s your block. For example, are you:

~ afraid of being wrong?
~ afraid of not feeling loved?
~ afraid of not being valued?
~ afraid of being rejected?
~ afraid of not coping with this?
~ afraid of not feeling safe?
~ afraid of confrontation?
~ afraid of feeling vulnerable?
~ afraid of feeling separated?

Notice these are actually the underlying Enneagram fears showing up for each personality! (Chapter one in Part One).

Or is it something you’ve learnt, like you’re not good enough or unworthy? What is that fear for you?

Shifting things profoundly

Use the ‘Mind Shift Memo to Self’ below. Read it as often as you can, out loud if possible, at least once a day until you feel the shift in you. Take a photo of it onto a device to have handy. You may need to read this over and over till it sinks in and you absorb it as your new normal, but even if you have to go over it 100 times, doing this once a day would take 100 days – just over 3 months – and you will have changed that pattern forever!
Go to Part One, chapter nine and learn to Love Yourself! That dissolves all negatives and allows you to value yourself enough to be your higher self and least affected by what others think!
Have a look at Part One, chapters one and eleven. When you have found your Enneagram personality in chapter one, (and in the topic in Part Two, More About Your Higher Self and Lower Self), go to chapter eleven and read about how to turn the volume down on that negative core energy for your number and turn it up on your higher self.
Use the exercise in Part One, chapter four – Effective way two and write, or type on a device, “I used to . . . ” “I now realise . . . ” and “I now choose to . . . ” Then use the information in Part One, chapter eleven to fill in those blanks for your Enneagram personality, as follows:
1. the “I used to . . .” bit can be found in chapter eleven ‘How this shows up in our personalities’. Go to your number and see the ways shown there that give away your power and fill these in. You could also add “I used to care what other people think”.
2. the “I now realise . . .” is the recognition of how this is keeping you in your lower self and that it’s sabotaging you. You could just write exactly that: “I now realise this is keeping me in my lower self and is sabotaging me” or add your own realisations too about taking your power back, for example, “I now realise I give my power away to those people when I care what they think”
3. the “I now choose to . . .” bit can start with: “I now choose to accept the core of my underlying energy and myself as I am. I now choose to identify myself with my best higher self traits, with who I really am and all that I have to offer the world”, to get to grips with the shift explained above.
The rest can be found under ‘Turning the volume up on your higher self’ in chapter eleven. Go to your number and tweak the wording to make it fit with “I now choose to . . .”

For example, see where it says for Enneagram Two – “Choose to shift your energy from a place of neediness and not feeling worthy of what you need unless you earn it, into a place of giving to yourself what you need first and foremost, before you give to others”. This could be tweaked to “I now choose to shift my energy from a place of neediness and unworthiness and give myself what I need first and foremost before giving to others.”

Keep ‘what you choose’ positive and what you do want. For example, rather than “I now choose not to give away my power” which focuses on what you don’t want, re-phrase that to “I now choose to take my power back and stay in my power” or similar.

A full example for an Enneagram One (just because it comes first) is below. This is so well worth putting in the effort to do! Once you’ve done this, it’s there at a glance and you can then just read it over and over until you have absorbed it and are living your “I now choose to . . .” higher self ways – which means you won’t be giving your power away to what others think, as well as all the other immeasurable benefits of this! Life-changing indeed!

Example (Enneagram One)

“I used to give my power to my deepest fear of not being good enough and strive for perfection to compensate for this. I used to care what other people think.” (Point 3 i above).

I now realise this just focuses on fixing the problem and keeps me in my lower self which sabotages me from being my best self. I now realise I give my power away to those people when I care what they think.” (Point 3 ii above).

I now choose to accept the core of my underlying energy and myself as I am. I now choose to identify myself with my best higher self traits, with who I really am and all that I have to offer the world. (Directly from point 3 iii above). I now choose to acknowledge and accept I was born perfectly good enough as I am. I have nothing to prove. I now choose to enjoy having high standards and being capable of producing high quality stuff, just because I am gifted this way. I now choose to accept my way isn’t the only way and and that there are things I can’t change and it’s none of my business what others choose. I now choose to improve what I can when it’s appropriate and cultivate my ability to discern when to step in and when to step back. I now choose to cultivate emotional sensitivity to other people to be seen as I really am. I now choose to let my best qualities shine. I now choose to approve of myself and allow myself to feel good just being me. I now choose to be emotionally independent and accept myself and love myself exactly as I am to feel happy in my own skin.” (Point 3 iii above – words taken from chapter eleven and tweaked as described).

This is an incredibly powerful template for change. Go to your number and do this for yourself. You are shifting things just by going there in your mind! Read it over and over until you have totally absorbed and are living your higher self ways.
You can also help shift things on a subconscious level by using the Two Islands visualisation in Part One, chapter four. Remember, if you focus as best you can, whatever you do will be perfectly good enough. Adapt it to take your whole ball of baggage to the first island to dump it there and bring back from the second island all the self-confidence and self- assuredness and self-love you can allow yourself to have.

Mind Shift Memo to Self

I used to care more about what others think than what I think.
I now realise this is not being true to myself
and just gives my power to other people.
I now realise that it doesn’t matter how caring or sensitive or unsure I am, I can still be true to my own self.
I now realise my views are just as valid as anyone else’s
and if they feel right for me that’s good enough.
I count too.
I also used to care what others think about me,
yet I now realise that I cannot be responsible for other people’s thoughts or feelings.
They are coming from their space and have their own agenda.
Other people’s opinion of me is actually none of my business.
I also realise that I do not have to care or feel hurt when someone criticises me, or take it on board.
What right do they have to put me down?
I now realise no one out there can make me feel anything
unless I let them. It is up to me to feel everything that I feel.

I now accept everyone is their own person, including myself.
I now choose to accept myself exactly as I am, realising the more
self-acceptance I have the more self-regard and self-trust I have.
I now choose to disregard what others think of me,
or my choices, or my life.
I am here for me, not them.
My accountability is in how I respond and how I treat others,
respecting any different values or opinions or needs to me.
I forgive myself for having held on to my old ways of thinking
for so long.
I now choose to trust myself and my thoughts and opinions; after all, I am the only person who can live my
life or have my feelings.
It is my job to take back my power and value myself,
knowing that I count too.
I now choose to respect myself and my own views.
I now choose to work on my self-confidence, self-worth
and self-esteem; I deserve this.
I now choose to value myself and allow myself
to be in this new space now!

It is done.